I love buffets. The gooey portions of me perched over my belt prove it. Since leaving Las Vegas, the options for quality buffet are much more limited, but I still go now and then; Chinese and pizza mostly. But the people are pretty much the same. I hate them. I hate pretty much everyone at the buffet. Mostly because I don't like being seen making a pig of myself, I suspect. What follows are some of my least favorite characters present at every buffet that I have ever been to.

Buffet Assholes

Big Family - Fuck you, big family! You should never go out into the world as a group. You make an instant crowd everywhere you go which craps all over everyone else's good time. I hate you, big family. Use a condom.

Fat Family - Not only do you also create a crowd everywhere you go, like Big Family, but you also remind me of the fact that I skipped a trip to the gym to go to the buffet. Does your doctor know that you are throwing fistfulls of egg rolls down your wobbly gullet? Do you think its cute that your 230-pound twelve year old is going to graduate with diabetes? Go home and make your family a damn salad, I'm trying to eat here.

Fried chicken and pie is not good parenting.

DoubleStack - You don't need two plates. Its a buffet. Make a second trip. Half the beauty of the buffet is that I don't have to wait for anyone to bring me some fried shrimp; I can have it right away. Unless, of course, I am stuck behind some ass who has to go through a complicated ritual of putting down, picking up, balancing, and so forth. If you can't make the second trip to the food, you probably don't need the second plate.

Newt is gonna get his and thats all there is to it.

Muncher - Good grief, can't you wait until you get back to your table? Do you not see that there are other people around that can see you? This isn't the party tray at your grandson's graduation party. Even a fat, lazy glutton like myself can summon the patience to make it back to my table to sit down for my meal like a civilized person. You can too, Muncher.

Hayden Panettiere licking the Stanley Cup is so much cooler than you, muncher.

Squeaky Wheel - The Squeaky Wheel doesn't seem to get the point of a buffet. This person wants to make requests and ask questions whose answers should be obvious: "Is there any lobster bisque?" Do you see any fucking lobster bisque?!! The Squeaky Wheel is an annoying jackass everywhere, but in many places that I run into him or her there is someone at least pretending to care what he or she wants. At the buffet, however, no interest in your desire has been expressed or implied, so keep it to yourself for once.

This is you, squeaky wheel. This is how the rest of us see you.

If you've seen some other obnoxious characters consistently screwing up your buffet experience, let me know and we will make fun of them.

I don't know how to preface this, so I won't. Just look at it. If you have seen a more disturbingly fantastic culinary abomination, please link to it in the comments.

Thank you dear sweet little baby Jesus.

Bagpipes Pub and Eatery on Research Blvd is your typical American version of an Irish Pub. Brass and wood, with a few big screen televisions showing soccer, rugby, and more mainstream American pasttimes. There is a large selection of foreign and domestic beers and a a very good selection of pub food, Irish and otherwise. Shortly after entering, or immediately upon loading their website, you will discover one of Bagpipes' proudest assests; I won't dwell on it, but only say that the wait staff is all female, and, though capable, clearly not chosen for their skills at serving as much as their suitability to the 'uniform'.
If the staff were the only reason to go to Bagpipes, I would recommend against it, but the food there is also very good. I have had about a dozen things there and they were all delicious. There is also a full bar, so those that are so inclined, there is ample opportunity to drink enough to spray your Irish Dip on the bathroom, the help, or my car in the parking lot. Enjoy.
Good news: I talked to someone recently who advised me on where the really good dive bars are in Austin, so I might be able to bring you some more inspired reviews very soon. Look for that.

Not sure what is going on in this picture. I tried to read the text around it, but could make no sense of it. Perhaps you can do better.

Bagpipes has a site, but the photos are embedded in flash. I guess they don't want you setting their talent as your desktop, or something.

Wait for the movie.
Hermione dies.

Cut this shit out. If you want to look really cool in pictures, just take your top off.

Just in case anyone is uncertain about what a piece of shit Mike Vick is, the good people of loljocks have it covered.

This show is so good. Watch it.

I heard about this amazing ride while going reading the Hack A Day blog. I have always contended that Japanese people are weird, and I won't go back on that, but this lady is just badass.

Ok, that might be a little bit sensational. It isn't really. But check out Consumer Reports to see what it is(or is not) doing to keep you alive.